happy birthday tula mirth.

tula + mama, minutes after birth. 7.17.2006

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) 

...e.e.cummings

my wee girl is five and i want to stop time.  it feels like everything is moving so fast and i am not savoring it enough...suddenly we are here at five when my girl's lanky legs hang down to my knees and i grunt when she sits on my lap.  i remember easily when she was so light that she fit into the crook of one arm.

happy birthday tula mirth.  you are my heart.

happy mama's day!

hooray it's mama's day, by juli

on mamahood

juli + tula mirth, age 3 by juli

i am a single mama.  i have been since before my daughter was even born.  it is an interesting thing to become pregnant at the tail-end of a worn relationship.  you do a lot of double-takes, or at least i did.  friends, colleagues, family all worry about you and never quite know what to think. 

i decided early on that i would not let anything impede my path for the life i wanted for us and that is certainly a bit hard.  many things in my life have changed, as they do for any new parents, but doing it alone is incredibly humbling.  there is only you standing there trembling under the pressures of your tough judgments about your own parenting skills and only you to pick yourself up when you stumble.

yellow light, yellow bug by juli

mamahood is the single hardest job i have ever had but it is also the most wonderful.  each day i learn something about life or myself.  i remember to slow down to watch my daughter as she opens to the world and i remember to play.  tula mirth brings me into her imagination and i bring her into mine.  we could spend an hour talking about our favorite illustrations or playing jokes on each other.  she has given me a path back to childhood through her eyes to enjoy a more whimsical life and a reason to practice imagination.

without her, i would have never done so many fun things.  i have compiled a small list here (but it goes on and on):

1) i would never have built a treehouse inside a house
2) i would not drive during full daylight in an animal mask (well, maybe)
3) i would not spread glitter in the bathroom and act like the tooth fairy is checking on toothbrushes
4) i would not own a rickshaw
5) i would not anticipate the arrival of santa claus starting in july
6) i would not draw faces on clementines
7) i would not know someone so perfectly
8) i would not have invented the toenail polish technique "sunshine and clouds" (two shades of blue and one yellow) which is on demand at the moment
9) i would not have adopted a small brown squirrel dog (i am a big dog snob)
10) i would not laugh with my whole heart so much

the mouse clementine, by juli